So I've Been ------------> Here

Yes. I've been gone for some time. I got this facebook account. Friends kept wanting me to come to the "dark side". lol So, I did. I got involved in many games. I have had a blast!!! I needed something else to fill my time and I certainly found it there.

I've talked to many different people and have a couple of people I would now call friends. Not just "friends" that one has in this account, but a couple of people I really consider a friend. No, I haven't met them in real life. That is a bit difficult as they live some distance away. But I know that if I needed to talk, I could call and they would be willing to listen. Isn't that important though in life really? Having someone who is willing to listen? Cheapest form of therapy that I know of.

I also had to move from what I had considered my home for the past 5 years. I was treated terribly over this and I still cannot believe how this family would do this to me. But it sure does give you an idea of how they would treat someone they don't care anything about. I am glad to know that I am not related to them other than through my grandchildren.

Problem is with this, I moved over to my land. Basically right across the street and down a bit. I can see, if I really wanted too, the goings on there. And they can see me too. I will be stuck here when I wasn't prepared.

My land wasn't really ready for me to move over to. I had planned on doing that back in January, but I stayed because of my grandchildren and my daughter. It looks better here now, but it isn't like what I had dreamed. I also hadn't dreamed of living alone on this land either.

Dreams...so many lost. I don't dream much anymore. Not in the sleep fashion, but in the wide awake hoping and dreaming kind. Doesn't do me any good to dream. I don't dare to dream. I have come to realize that most all of my hopes and dreams have been smashed, squashed, cutup and set on fire, burned beyond recognition.

Dreams are good for the young and those who are in-love. I say dream away. Work towards those dreams. And pray that God will help you realize them and life won't work against you.

This is where I've been. I've had many things to say. I just haven't chosen to say them by writing them down. Maybe I should again.

I'll start by writing... I still love you. I still miss you. The land was to be our home. I'm here and you aren't. The breeze whispers this fact to me so often. The tears from my eyes that had fallen on this land have made the land sad. It's not a happy place. There is no laughter here. Only more tears come from my eyes, falling to the ground.

So, I'm here now, not there, not with you either and maybe not where I'm really supposed to be. But I don't know where I'm really supposed to be. I hate this not knowing.

So, I Pray

I pray. Yes, yes I do. Everyday. Many times a day. I love my friends and family. I love my ex and her family. So, I pray. I pray for their needs, my needs. You would think I'm not a believer or a christian by the way I have written some of my posts. But I am.

There is nothing wrong with this either. I believe that we as mere mortals need to believe in a higher power than ourselves. I personally, believe in God the Father, Jesus Christ the Son and the Holy Ghost.

No, I am not a bible thumper. Nor do I attempt to shove my christian beliefs down anyones throat as some zealots do. I figure that maybe prayer should be enough. Maybe not. What if I'm wrong? Well, I don't want to believe I am.

I know that many times, we just have to say, "Ok God. I can't do this anymore. It is in your hands now." And here lately, it seems the more I let go and give it up to God to do his miracles, things come to pass. My prayers seem to get answered.

So, with this in mind...I'm going to keep praying. I'm going to give up what I can not change over to God too, since this really is the way he wants things.

Blessings to all. May your heart be filled and your soul be lifted. Even if only for today.

Marriage & The Gay Community

I am so fucking sick of hearing so many of the Gay Community whining about how they cannot get married legally. Yes, in some states that right was passed. And it should have been. Why? Let me tell you my point of view on this.

In my state, it isn't legal. I don't believe it is all because of the thing that marriage should only be between men and women. I think a great deal of it has to do with the fact that many Gay people just cannot commit to their partners. You betcha! I see this shit happening all the time. You check out the gays you know that have "life partners", complete with wedding rings and all and you just ask them how many they have had. I'll bet the answer will surprise you!

I had my Commitment Ceremony. Oh yes. Right down to the preacher and all. Just like a real, legally binding wedding. Did that do any good? Hell no!

Because here my partner is... takes off and leaves for the last time, two and a half years ago. She now has a new partner. She was even wearing wedding rings not three months after they got together! What the fuck??

Now this dyke is having yet another Ceremony with the new partner. I just don't get it. I won't get it either. And neither does the straight community!

So many gays go out and have their little ceremonies and have zero to little interest in what that ceremony really meant. They go from one partner to the other, with the change of the wind. There is no retribution involved. No divorce. No time and money laid out on ending the "commitment". So there you are. And the gays wonder why they can't have real, legal marriages.

Hello!!! Fucking get a clue people!

You want all that comes with a real marriage. Start showing the straights just what it is and what you mean. I'm not talking about having the fucking ceremonies that don't make a shit to most of you - especially my life partner. Yes, she would be considered my ex now. But then, so where all her other "partners" too. So - there you are yet again!

The people like my "ex" don't get it. Just how many "life" partners do you get to have in one life without the personal sacrifice, real commitment and everything else that goes with having a marriage???

I realize that the straights can get married as many times as they choose. But they also have to go through the legalities of getting divorced before they can remarry. Gays should have to do this too!

I am just so pissed off right now. Don't get me wrong. I still am in love with my "ex". I still consider our commitment ceremony to be our marriage ceremony. But what I want to know is, why does she or anyone else in the gay community think it is okay to just get to walk away from a relationship and not have to pay for this in one form or another?

Just how many Commitment Ceremonies do you get to have?

I want to get my hands on her and just strangle the life out of her. I really do. She's getting married again. Oh my God! Give me a break! Get your ass home and work this shit out once and for all!!! You get ONE ceremony and wedding bitch! Only ONE! Until you come clean and fix the shit you did one way or the other, you only get ONE!!!!! I will NEVER let you go from this. I swear it. NEVER!

Okay - so I'm done with that part. Whew... aren't you glad??

But this is exactly my point. The Gay Community needs to wake up and realize that if they want to be taken seriously - they need to get serious in regards to their commitments with their life partners. It really is a marriage. The only kind they are allowed to have in my state for now. So get real people. Put forth a real effort here. Do what is right by your life partners and don't keep jumping from one wedding ring partnership to another!

My Thought For The Day

Yep. Same old thing. I love her, I need her and I still want her in my life. I would welcome her back with open arms.

Call me a loser. I don't care. I cannot help myself. My soul is missing what she filled.

I'm hoping. I'm praying. I miss you.

I'm Awake - Maybe

At my last doctor visit, I was prescribed Ambien so I could get some sleep. Very odd drug. The first night, not five minutes after taking the pill, I was so woozy I wasn't sure if it was the Ambien or just what was going on, since I had taken my pain medication too. I felt a bit odd the next morning, especially since I was wide awake at 3:30 in the morning. I slept about 4 hours, so no more sleep for me I guess. Damn.

The next night, I take my pill and same thing. Within five minutes, I am all over the place. Mentally and physically. I could barely make it to the bed. My daughter was here when I took the pill, as we had been trying to do some things online. I do manage to crawl into the bed and pass out. But I had wild dreams all night. I had three people who wanted to follow me on Twitter, one of them is a very good friend. The other two, I don't know from Adam. I wasn't sure the next morning - this time at 4:00, if I had dreamed this whole Twitter thing and the prior evening or not. It wasn't until I logged on that I was aware I had not dreamed it all from the night before. It was simply one of the weirdest feeling I have ever had.

That same day, I am sick to my stomach and have problems all day long. My brain isn't quite working right, at least I don't think it was. I was having off the wall thoughts - well, more than the normal off the wall thoughts. It felt like I was sleepwalking all day long. Very, weird feeling if you've never experienced it.

Last night, I tried it again. I figured maybe my body just needed to get used to it. Maybe not. I was awake off and on all night. At least I'm pretty sure I was. It seemed like I was anyway. Crazy, mixed up thoughts and dreams. I even seem to remember I smoked a cigarette or two every time I woke up. I'm feeling real strange again today too. I've read all the info on the drug. I guess it's a good thing I'm not driving anywhere. It's probably best if I stay out of the car. At least I think so maybe?

Like I said, it's an odd drug. I hope this partictular blog is making sense. I'm going to try the Ambien again tonight though anyway. I can't shut off my mind. I need to forget some things. I would like to forget them permanently. I need to sleep.

It's Sorta Twisty

It's sick and sorta twisty in that Oedipus kind of way. I'm talking about my ex and her new girlfriend, the one whose life she's going to screw up.

The ex had been planning to marry this ol' girl on this girl's birthday. It was surprise apparently. Now how in the world do you plan a surprise wedding? Beats me. I told you she was crazy! Her plan of surprise got the best of her I suppose. She never really could keep a secret when she is in her happy place, right before she is getting ready to manic. So now she told the new g/f about the plan. I guess the g/f said yes. Tragic. The ol' girl hasn't a clue of what is in store for her.

Sure, they've been together two years. This is about the average time for the ex to stay with anyone. I made it almost seven years. But according to the ex, they fight too. Course, I never figured that one out, since I did not do the fighting. The ex did. You cannot have a discussion about anything, if she does not agree with your point of view. To her, it is always an argument. Oh well, better the new g/f than me I suppose. Let her argue with her. It gives me an upset stomach and headache.

But the really funny thing about the new g/f is, even though I don't personally know her, I know her all the same. Because I know my ex. I know her better than she knows herself sometimes. I knew all along when she was saying she was planning this big surprise for the g/f's birthday, what she was up too. Lord! Give me a break!

Now, my ex has this thing about older women. That's okay I suppose as long as they don't look as old or older than your own mother. The odd thing though, is my ex always yelled at me that she did not need a mother. She has one. Well, la dee dah! Don't date women close to your mother's age if you do not want them acting or looking as old or older than your own mother!

So if you see the new g/f, you will be in for a big shock. Or maybe not, depending on how you look at it. Me now, I was a bit taken aback. Even though I am older than the new g/f by several years, but I do not look anywhere near my current age. Much less do I look anywhere near as bad as this ol' girl! I had to fix my former comment. It was just nastier than I should have ever written. My bad. I'm just hurt.

Seriously though, this ol' girl is nowhere near what the ex has always found attractive - sexually or otherwise. It must be based on personality and I cannot help but know that this is where her Oedipus problem lies. She had a bit of one with me, even though she would never admit it, but I know. I ignored it and maybe we should have stuck with the therapist after all. Maybe that would have helped both of us. Maybe not, who knows. I wasn't over the moon about this particular counselor.

I feel kind of bad for the new g/f though. If she does go through with the "marriage" on her birthday, all her birthday's for the rest of her life will most likely be filled with sorrow. Because this "marriage" will not work out. I know the ex too well! So it really is sad, sick and sorta twisty.

So I really should get over this...

So I really should get over this and over her too, move on, forget about it, but I just can't and I am so pissed off right now. I said I would never write about her again. But I feel I must. This is only a portion of the shit she put me through and I want everyone to know.

I was only 44 when she came on to me. That's right. She came on to me. Sometimes when she came over to my house, she would look in on me and my husband while we were asleep in our bed. How creepy is that! She told me later about her doing this and I just wish I had known about it from the very beginning.

I was leading a straight life. In fact, I was straight, but I left that life and that lifestyle to be with her. And where does it get me????

She lied to me. She lied over and over again.
She said she loved me and I was the love of her life.
She said she needed me. She said I was her heart and soul.
One of the many things she even wrote was -"m - have I told you how happy I am to have you in my life? and how blessed I am to be able to say that I know you love me.... j"

She lied!!
Everything she has said to me, I am certain she is saying to the person she is with now. But she lies!!

She used me to the point that I lost everything I owned!
Every fucking thing she wanted, I did my best to get it for her!
I took out loan after loan to get her what she wanted! Wedding, boats, house, furniture, business! I worked my ass off for hours at my job trying to pay for all the things she wanted.

She said she would NEVER get married again.
She lied!!

And by the way - she's going to lie to you. I'll bet you two cents she already has. And not once either. Just you fucking wait. She's going to use you too. Let me fill you in, on some more, just in case she has left out details, which I'm sure she has!!

I took out a loan for the wedding and paid out both of OUR wedding rings! Over 2 thousand dollars! I paid off this loan. Not her! I paid for my own wedding ring!! Are you paying for yours?? Congratulations if you aren't. But you will eventually pay for it one way or another.

I paid for her clothing for the wedding and most of the photographer's bill! I paid for our honeymoon. Her parents paid for the other stuff. NOT HER!!! The only thing she paid for is the down payment to the photographer.

She wanted a house - didn't like the one I had. The one I had wasn't good enough for her. So I get her a different house!! Using my land and my old house. Not hers mind you. Mine!

She wanted a boat - she paid for part of the first one and I got a loan, just like she wanted me too and paid for the rest of it!!! The last boat she got - the Tracker - she fucked me over on that too! And then had the gall to lie about how I wasn't there to sign the title. What??? I was at work!!! Working to pay our bills!!! And then has the nerve to always say it was her fucking boat! Damn! The money was from OUR house insurance claim!!!! Joint checking!!! Over 4 thousand dollars of a 6 thousand dollar claim!

She wanted a business - I take out another loan in my name and I got it for her!! For a long time all anyone heard was "You've got to get a loan and get a business open!" So, I do this for her and even this I couldn't do right either apparently!

During this whole process of trying to get the business open - she decides she was going to go work up in another state with the old wannabe girlfriend who screwed her over and used her - but she was going to leave me and go back up there. Pretending that it was because we needed the money. Oh please!!!! I'm not that stupid.

Then to top it all off, knowing I would no longer have any income myself once we opened the business - she tells me that if we lose the house, she is leaving me. Well, isn't that just lovely?? Now what the fuck?? I ask you!

So, if you lose your house, is she going to leave you too???? Oh, I know she gave you 3 thousand dollars not too long after you first got together in order to save your house from foreclosure. Course, her doing that was her way of "sticking it" to a few other people who I won't drag into this and myself.

Then after losing the house, several months later, she wanted me to find some land and/or another house - so I did. I bought it for her. For us!! And what the fuck does she do? Well, of course, she lied about that too. Led me down the merry path once again!

And when she leaves this time, does she say she misses me??? NO! She misses the wannabe girlfriend/partner who screwed her over and used her to get what she wanted. The one that didn't love her. And didn't want to be with her either. Wouldn't give up a straight lifestyle for her. Yes - you read that right. That one was straight too! But here she is - missing the "I won't love you like that and all I want to do is use you" of all people! God! What crazy shit!

She took things from OUR storage building that she never paid rent for and did not belong just to her. She took MY stuff too. And still has some of MY stuff - unless she threw it away - which I highly doubt!

The large tent she has?? Well, it's not hers. It was ours. She now has 3 tents and couldn't be bothered to give me the one that was ours. Have you enjoyed OUR tent??? She is a piece of work I'm telling you!

Then too, she comes back, trying to "get back with me" only to use me again. She wants to come work at what was "our" business in March 2006. Wasn't happy where she was. So she kisses up to me, sleeps with me, tells me she loves me and makes me think we are back together once again, to get what she wants.

While she's there, she is rude to clients and runs a few of them off too. Then when she manics out on me again and leaves in August 2006 she goes back to her old company. Throws the business credit card in my face from across the room. Proceeds to tell me that the business will never be worth a damn, etc. But all of this was after she had agreed to help pay for a thousand dollar advertising bill and also a booth at a city event that the business really couldn't afford. ha! I fucking knew she was going to screw me over. But I was stupid - yet again!! It was a damn good thing I had sense enough not to buy the damn T-Shirts she wanted to use for the booth!!

Oh... and least I forget - she is such a liar that she even lies to little children too! If I hear my granddaughter- the one she thought of as HER child - HER little fishing buddy - say one more time about "When is she coming to take me fishing again?", I think I will scream!! Does she lie to yours??? I'm quite sure she already has and I know she will too.

I am wanting you and everyone to know about just a part of the shit she did to me. The emotional hell she put me through - you will go through too if you truly love her. Because that is how she is. She will take you to hell and back again. Over and over. That isn't to say that she won't occasionally try to make you happy. She will. But in the end, it won't be worth it by the time she has screwed you up and over too!

It's funny - but not really. I never needed any kind of anti-depressants before I got with her. Then after 2 years of her, I was put in such a state of depression and anxiety, that I still suffer from the effects. 10 years of this shit I have suffered through! It's no wonder I am now sick!!

And speaking of dying - if she still has her cemetery plot - I helped pay for that too! I was supposed to be buried there too! We had checked into my name being on the plots with the funeral company. But my name didn't get on it somehow. If shit was in her name - it was ALL hers. I was never entitled to any of it apparently! So don't plan on being buried with her. You best pick out your own place now! Don't plan on her for it!!!

Did you know that even after she got together with you that she was still calling me every month?? Yes. That's right. Every month, the first of the month. Just like clockwork! For months!! It wasn't until I confronted her about her still calling me that she quit.

And then after she finds out I'm sick last Sept., she started texting and calling me again. Oh, and by the way... back in July 2008 on the 27th when she was having her bi-polar attack, she texted me then too. Bet you didn't know that either. And then I hear from her again the end of January this year too! She doesn't really ever want to let go of me. Strange isn't it???

Just so you know - that once she gets through wiping her butt on you, like you are a piece of toilet paper, she will discard you too. Leaving you with nothing but a bunch of bills, pills and heartache!

She really doesn't know what true love is. She doesn't get it. She will never get it and never understand, because she "lives" in the moment. This is the way she is and the way she will always be.

She is bi-polar. She won't take her medicine and get proper treatment and help for this illness. So she screws up her life and everyone else who is around her for any length of time. Especially those who care about her!

With all this being said - I still fucking love her! God help me! I have prayed over and over again that he would take this love I have for her away from me. It gets me nowhere! I have tried to hate her. I am not masochistic either.

I truly love her unconditionally. That is - No matter what she has done to me, the hell she has put me through, I still love her. I would still welcome her back with open arms. I don't understand why and I never will.

Hell - who knows why some people are the way they are. Just so you know, it isn't "sour grapes" with me either. I just want people to know what kind of treatment I got and what type of crap she will dish out to those she says she loves. Oh... and she does cheat too! But that's another set of things about her too and I'm not going to go into that.

So - I'm done. I've ranted and raved. I haven't got this out of my system. I never will either. I just hate what she does.

I wanted to be that woman...

You know the woman in the ad where the man is walking through the house closing windows, etc. and then he places a diamond necklace on the sleeping woman's neck? Well, I wanted to be that woman. I wanted to be that woman who is loved so much.

I need to be a woman who is loved that much. A woman that someone thinks about, cares for, and is romanced. She has her knight in shining armor.

I want that. I want it all. I think I have payed my dues. I think I have suffered enough. I put so much into my relationships. And for what? There is nothing left but my broken heart and spirit. I cry. Who cares? The tears I have shed. No one knows.

I thought I was going to get to be that woman in the ad on a couple different occasions. What a joke. But it wasn't a funny one. The punch line being I am left alone and lonely again and again.

I feel totally useless. I feel unworthy of anyone giving love to me. I shouldn't, but I do.

I look in the mirror. I see my skin getting older with more wrinkles. I see my hair getting more grey. My body is now a total mess. I am no longer the toned 30 or even 40 year old I once was. Who would want this? I cannot fix it. And if I could, would it matter?

I just always wanted to really be loved, cared for and have all the happily-ever-afters. I guess it will never be in my life.

What a life I have lived. And I don't have anything to show for the love I have given to others, because nothing was given in return.

I can count on nothing except for death. That is the final joke. I will probably be alone for that too.

Friendships, Love and Unconditional Love

Your friends will tell you when you've screwed up. Real friends will stick by you when you've really screwed up. Those that don't were never your real friends. Those that love you will stick by you through thick and thin. They may yell and scream at you, or just shake their heads, but they will still be there. They don't walk away, leaving you high and dry. They don't screw you over, tell you lies and use your love for their own selfish purposes. If they do, they were never your friends and they never did love you to begin with.

I don't believe that real love for someone ever dies. If it is real love, it is always there. Sexual love for someone will change with the wind. That is not love. Someone who really loves you will not tell you to move on and get a life without them. They want and need you in their life because you complete a part of their soul.

I recently asked a minister of God what is unconditional love. They thought it was allowing someone to move on. Their answer told me they didn't know what is was either and struck me as funny considering God has unconditional love for us. I feel maybe what should have been said is:

"Unconditional love is real love that allows someone to make their choices, good or bad, and face the consequences of those choices. But not face them all alone. It is a love that allows you to be there for someone when they need you. Help them up when they fall, and try to do what you can for them. It is a love that never changes, and never ends."

My love for certain people has been like the footprints in the sand poem with a few changes.

"Where were you when I needed you?" " My love, I have been at your side in a moments notice, and I have carried you. I did carry you at times when you only saw one set of footprints in the sand. Those weren't your footprints. They were mine. But when you see the double set of footprints again, those were ours. Where they veer off the path again, those are yours, leaving my side once again."

Unconditional love carries you through good times and bad. Stands beside you no matter what. Helps you when your back is against the wall in life, and it digs you out when the wall has fallen down around you. This is what I believe.

To my children: I have unconditional love for you.

To my grandchildren: I have unconditional love for you.

To the love of my life: I was standing there for you before I loved you, as a real friend. Then I loved you. You slapped my cheek and I turned my face to give you the other cheek. You slapped that one too. You walked away from our path again and again. You threw my unconditional love for you back in my face over and over. I should have never given you that kind of power over me. I want you to know I will always remember the good times, but I will also never forget the bad. I love you still.

So this ought to be interesting...

Today's my first day at this newest place. It should prove to be interesting.
To my readers, either you will like my blogs or not. Either way - Bite me! You never know just what I might discuss!