I wanted to be that woman...

You know the woman in the ad where the man is walking through the house closing windows, etc. and then he places a diamond necklace on the sleeping woman's neck? Well, I wanted to be that woman. I wanted to be that woman who is loved so much.

I need to be a woman who is loved that much. A woman that someone thinks about, cares for, and is romanced. She has her knight in shining armor.

I want that. I want it all. I think I have payed my dues. I think I have suffered enough. I put so much into my relationships. And for what? There is nothing left but my broken heart and spirit. I cry. Who cares? The tears I have shed. No one knows.

I thought I was going to get to be that woman in the ad on a couple different occasions. What a joke. But it wasn't a funny one. The punch line being I am left alone and lonely again and again.

I feel totally useless. I feel unworthy of anyone giving love to me. I shouldn't, but I do.

I look in the mirror. I see my skin getting older with more wrinkles. I see my hair getting more grey. My body is now a total mess. I am no longer the toned 30 or even 40 year old I once was. Who would want this? I cannot fix it. And if I could, would it matter?

I just always wanted to really be loved, cared for and have all the happily-ever-afters. I guess it will never be in my life.

What a life I have lived. And I don't have anything to show for the love I have given to others, because nothing was given in return.

I can count on nothing except for death. That is the final joke. I will probably be alone for that too.